Hello, my love.
читать дальшеObviously, I'm never actually going to send this to you. It's been 2.5 years, but I guess some things never change. Here I am crying again for the love we lost. It started with my listening to Adele. "If this is my last night with you / hold me like I'm more than just a friend / give me some memory I can use / take me by the hand / while we do what lovers do / it matter how this ends / 'cause what if I never love again?" At first I was just thinking about that last night we had together. We both knew I was leaving in the morning. I begged you to spend the night with me, you didn't want to. You were on your computer in the living room, while I was alone in the bedroom, crying. You came to bed in the early morning, it was already light. I was still crying. I was reading our old chats that I saved. You read them with me. You were laughing and saying what a loser you were. I was saying that no, you were the sweetest, the most caring, the best person I knew. Back then you were, that's true. Then we ordered pizza. Leaving you was so weird. I couldn't know if that really was our last moment together. It was such an odd feeling. I actually don't remember why you didn't go to the airport with me. I was crying all the way in the cab. And in the airport. I didn't cry on the plane, it was just emptiness after that. So as I was saying, at first I was just thinking about that last night. Then I was thinking about how unfair you were to me. The way you treated me. And how damn sorry I'm feeling for myself. I didn't do anything to deserve that. Then I started thinking about how happy I was with you. How much I loved you. Nothing has ever been the same since then. My feelings have never been the same. I often feel sad realizing I'll never feel such great things again. But I always come to the conclusion that that's for the best. I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you - probably not. I scrolled all the way down on my instagram feed to the pictures of us together. Holding hands, fingers intertwined. Gosh, I miss you. How badly I just want to see you one last time. To touch you. Breathe you. I miss your smell.
I've been so tired lately. I've been crying a lot these past couple days. I think I'm depressed again. Maybe it's just autumn. Maybe it's because today is my 25th day of working without days off. I'm emotionally drained. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about dying again. Such thoughts scare me. I can't breathe right now from all the crying.
I really want to write to you.
@темы:
нытьё,
дура я, дура,
Б.