[beforeilovedyou]

Я люблю тебя и я тебя ненавижу.

Если честно, то мне слегка неловко осознавать, что прошло уже больше года после нашего расставания, а я все еще not over him. What the fuck is wrong with me? Почему некоторые люди are able to move on fast, and then there's me?

В песни, которую я сейчас слушаю, поется, "A time for us some day there'll be". И я блять разрыдалась как ребенок от этих слов.

Я люблю тебя и я не знаю что мне делать с этим.

Вот что я ему написала год назад. По-моему, он просто это проигнорировал.

I'm so pathetic. Haha, I know you'll agree with that.
But that's it. I lost it. I'm done. If I thought I was depressed 2 years ago, I was fucking stupid. That was nothing compared to what's going on with me now. Pain is the only thing there is. I can barely stop crying. Hell, I was crying at work yesterday. Speaking of work, I can't even work anymore. To be completely honest, I'm probably just gonna stop showing up, I don't even care enough to give them my 2-week notice. I'm just done. With everything. I tried to kill myself, and I fucking SURVIVED. Fuck me, right? My poor parents. I feel so bad for them. It's hard for them to see me like this. And realize there's nothing they can do to help me. My dad is trying so hard to cheer me up when I cry, and nothing helps. I cry all the time. I'm drunk again, btw. I didn't drink yesterday night, and that was an even bigger torture. I couldn't sleep because of crying. Then I fell asleep for a few hours. Then I woke up and the first thing I did was cry again. I don't want to do anything. I barely have any appetite. I hope you're proud of yourself. Must feel so good knowing there's someone feeling this way because of you. Knowing you're the only person that can stop this. And you really are, haha. Well, perhaps I should actually give myself in to the hospital and let them heavily medicate me. Maybe that'd make me not able to think much. When a psychiatrist talked to me on Friday, I convinced him that I'm fine and that was done on impulse and I don't actually wanna kill myself, I just need some psychological help. That's why they let me go home. After a whole day of being semi-conscious and having that thing attached to my hand that's constantly giving me medication and being connected to that monitor that's showing my heart beat and stuff. You know, I was actually scared that I will die. Haha, stupid.
I don't understand you, B. What did your Facebook messages mean? What do you mean there was no such thing as an inevitable end? What do you mean the break is gonna seal the inevitable? What inevitable? Please don't leave me hanging. I know you might not care. I know you might simply be annoyed to bother. I know you have your own troubles. But I'm a person. And I'm hurting. And we both know that you're the one that can give me comfort. Even if it wasn't me. If it was anyone else. Why wouldn't you help a person if you could?
Oh, B. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. The pain never stops. I've never felt anything like this. I'm scared. It took me 2 years to get over a guy with whom the most intimate thing we did was holding hands. I can't even comprehend how long it will take me to get over you. Over us. I'm so scared.
You said you wanted to be with me. Why don't you show it? Why can't you be there for me when I need it so, so much? More than I ever have. I honestly can't deal with this. I have been trying. I have been strong. And then I just broke down. And that's it. I CAN'T man up.
Please, help me.

А вот длиннющее письмо, которое я ему написала ровно год назад, кстати.

Dear B,

I'm sorry about what happened last night. I was drunk. If I didn't drink, I wouldn't even have responded to you in the first place. As it happens, I've come to terms that you want me out of your life, that you don't want to be with me. That night when I messaged you telling you of the pain in my stomach I was experiencing, and then you read that message but didn't even bother replying, that was when I finally realized that you really don't care. That was also when I let you go. That's what I meant when I said that it might be too late and you might lose me. I didn't mean that I'd kill myself. I meant that I won't just be there forever, waiting for you. You being rude to me, you saying certain things, it all adds up, you know. We both lost here. That connection we shared, we'll never experience that with anyone else. That was special, and that was ours. But anyways, I try not to dwell on the past anymore, as that's what makes me break down. I try looking forward only. The only thing that could still save us at this point is time. Only time. Right now, you're so hurt, you won't let me back in no matter how hard I try. I can completely understand that. I am truly sorry you're experiencing that pain. One thing you have to realize though is that alcohol doesn't help, it only makes things worse. It heightens your emotions, therefore makes the pain and the misery stronger. You might get a brief distraction, but the next morning when you wake up, the pain will be there and it will be worse. Please don't drink. Other than impairing your emotional health, alcohol also impairs your physical health to a great degree as well. Please, take care of yourself, B.

As I mentioned above, time is the only thing that could save us. Us as a thing, as a couple. I don't think that's what we want right now, but I'd be a fool not to give us another chance. I believe that all things are fixable. However, if we lose each other, we'll lose each other forever. We'll simply grow accustomed to this new feeling of being alone, the pain that accompanies it, and we won't seek any contact with each other. Therefore I'm giving it one month. One month to try and heal. To think. To figure things out, to figure ourselves out. I know that deeply inside, we both still love and care for each other. I know that the pure love we shared couldn't just disappear into nothingness. We'll talk in a month, and we'll see if that's been enough time to try and mend things. I'm writing this on June 22, therefore the next time we talk will be on July 22. Until then, please take good care of yourself. For us. For our future. Do some mild exercising (no gym, just at home). Drink a glass of water every morning upon waking up (that's really good for you!). Read. Establish a proper sleeping routine (you'll be amazed at how good you'll be feeling). Eat properly, eat a balanced diet, make sure you get your fruits and veggies daily. Cut down on alcohol, please. And one thing I ask personally. No girls. I really did want us to be each other's only ones. Unless we do experimenting together. So please. Let's just keep it this way for at least this one month, while there's still a chance for us.

Relationships require lots of work. As adults, we can consciously choose our life partners. Well, I want you, my soulmate, to be my life partner. I am willing to put a lot of effort into this. All I need to know is that you want the same. That we're working for this together. For nothing will ever work out if only one of us is putting effort into the relationship. I know that I can truly make you happy. I can cater to your needs, take care of your health, keep your clothes and house clean, and make your life simpler in many ways. I can be the person you turn to when you're feeling down and need advice, I can be the one you share your excitements with, I can provide you with emotional and physical support. And I want to do and be all those things.

For us, all the difficulties began when you first started experiencing depression. And it never truly let you go. By no means is that your fault, B. Depression is a serious illness and it will not go away on its own. You have to realize that you need help to combat it. My sweet B, how I truly wish I could just take all your pain away from you. When I was depressed, you were my cure. You were there for me, giving me a shoulder to cry on, giving me the most comfort I've ever received. And once I actually spent time with you in person, I've never been depressed again. You are the reason I am strong now. But for you, it's different. I tried being your cure, but I couldn't help you the way you helped me. You have to find your cure in something else. You can't be doing the same old thing every day, because it won't help. You have to try different things. Maybe exercise (again, not vigorous, but regular exercise does actually work better for depression than anti-depressants). Maybe you have to find a new hobby. I know you stated that certain things you do bring you joy, but they still haven't made you recover completely, therefore you should try different things as well. I strongly, strongly suggest seeing a therapist. I know it's covered by your medical plan. Having a trained professional guide you will speed up your recovery. Please, please look into that.

You are the closest person to me. I've never had such a connection with anyone, and I sincerely appreciate you having been such a big part of my life. This letter is long, but I'm saying everything as it is. I have no intentions of hurting you, although some of the things I write might upset you, and I apologize for that. I just want to be completely honest with you and let you know how I feel and what my hopes are.

Our romantic relationship has gone sour, that's why we're taking this break now. When I said that I haven't felt the same way since back then when you were first depressed, I didn't mean it. I only said it to get back at you for saying that you don't love me anymore. Kind of like, "I don't love you anymore", - "And I haven't loved you for even longer!" Stupid, I know. But I was hurt, and you know how often we say and do stupid things when we're hurt. Back then, when you were going through that difficult time, it was indeed very difficult for me as well, but never have I lost faith. I knew that we were strong and would overcome that. And we did, for the most part. However, our relationship was still having issues. We argued and fought a lot, even before I came to you. I remember us trying to take a break back in the winter. It didn't work because we loved each other, and couldn't be without each other. I remember us fighting a couple weeks before I came to you. We even broke up, although neither of us took it seriously. But I remember that at that point I thought that maybe it would help if we were just friends for a bit, and then, when I'd come to you, we could slowly start all over. Things didn't work that way though, because, once again, we loved each other. We couldn't just be friends.

Before I visited you, I thought that spending the summer together would help us. I thought that we would work all our problems out and even create a plan for our future together. We both know how things turned out in reality. I came to you with all these expectations of how our summer's gonna be, of how we're gonna act. How you're gonna spend all of your free time with me, unless I want to have some alone time, then you can have some alone time, too. Except I was having my alone time while you were at work. So when you got home, I was expecting you to spend time with me. I was trying to control you and force you into behaving the way I thought you should've been behaving. I was trying to mold you into what I thought you should be. Me trying to control you, in turn, caused you to want to act the way I didn't want you to even more. You are very stubborn, that's true, and once someone tries to change you, you'll do the exact opposite. Things really got out of hand. You were being outright rude and inconsiderate to me. At that point I already realized that I was doing something wrong as well, but it was too late, you were already too angered to stop acting out of spite. When I left for the hostel, I had all intentions to have no communication with you at all for those 5 days that I'm there, to give us (but mostly, you) time to think about us and figure things out. I loved you, and I knew that I wanted to fix things, and I still had faith in us. By the time I got back, I already knew that I wanted to be with you and work on our problems. You were right - I dyed my hair, got my nails done, bought a bunch of new clothes (with every item, "would B like this?"), in an attempt to make you love me again. Even went to the beach for suntanning with barely any sunscreen (forgot mines at your house, the one the hostel bathroom had was running out) to get my back burned, so the acne would go away. I came back from the hostel very confident. Confident in my appearance, and confident that I was not giving up, I loved you and wanted to be with you. Then we had that conversation, that no, you don't love me. It was really difficult for me. I told you that I realized the mistakes I made and I would prove to you that I can give you a lot of free time. Which I did. Over the next days, I was doing my own thing, while all you did was be on your computer. It was at that time that I realized that I didn't love you anymore. I didn't want to be with you. You treated me bad. You were rude, inconsiderate, selfish. There were many instances when I wanted you to do something and you'd ask if you should satisfy your happiness for that. So I was always the one whose happiness was being satisfied. Despite of the way you were treating me, I was still there for you, doing all those things for you. Cleaning your room. Giving you massages every time you wanted to. Fetching you things. Leaving the room when you asked me to. Letting you do sexual things to me whenever you wanted to. Whatever you wanted. You would come to bed at night and hold me and kiss me. You were doing it for yourself. I think you were very confused. You probably still are. In the past year or so of our relationship, I was so scared of losing you and I loved you so blindly, I seized loving and caring about myself. You came before me.

Before all of that happened, you and I were the happiest people in the world. We were in love. We had each other. It was our own fairytale. I've never been charmed by anyone nearly as much as I was by you. Yes, you sent me all those extremely sweet messages, but even before them... When we first met. I was astounded. The way you are, B, it's hard to describe and explain, but you are amazing. You're funny and witty. You are extremely smart, one of the smartest people I've ever met. You're extremely nice as well, friendly and polite. You make people feel good when you talk to them. You listen. 2.5 years ago, I asked you to date me, because I thought that would keep you with me for a bit longer (I never imagined we would fall for each other so hard). I was so amazed by what a person you were, I wanted to have you in my life. And that was even before I told you about my problems, before you were there for me when I was crying at night. That was simply me getting to know you as a person. I believe you are MY person, that is, you were meant for me. I never want to lose you, ever.

You are my soulmate. This connection we have is incredible. The way we can just be ourselves with each other. I've never experienced anything like that. Didn't even believe it was possible. Before I met you, I was always wondering, if I got a boyfriend, how would I be able to sleep in the same room with him, how would I be able to let someone know me inside and out, with all my flaws. With you, it all made sense. I was just so comfortable. And I was completely myself. And you loved me for what I am. You might say that I'll meet someone else and feel the same way. But here are some facts. I'm a really shy and anxious person. I don't get well with people easily. I don't like letting people know what I'm really like, I'm not open with people. With ALL the previous guys I liked, I was always trying to be something I'm not (I felt like I had to). Same with the friends I've ever had. I always felt a bit pretentious. Maybe that's why I'm not really eager to make friends now.. And a big thing is, I always felt bugged by having to spend time with people. When you become friends with someone, they expect you to spend time with them and get offended when you don't. Ugh. I hate that. That was also one of the things I was wondering about if I get a boyfriend. How can I date someone if I REALLY enjoy my alone time? With you, that wasn't even a problem. So, there's that.

What we have right now is this: we don't love each other in a romantic way anymore. But it's not like our love just went away. We made it go. We buried it deep inside. You know how.

You said that we're incompatible. That's not true. At all. Think about the connection we share. Think about how we can be completely ourselves with each other. Think about how right it feels. Think about how we laugh so much when we're together. How natural all of that feels. We ARE compatible. But each one of us is a difficult person by themselves. We caused this. Which also means, WE can fix this. All the mistakes we've made are because we're so young.

I always thoroughly enjoyed your personality, you know. How difficult you were. You were a challenge. You didn't just blindly agree with me, didn't just do things as I wanted you to. You were your own person! You stood up for your opinions, your values. God, how wonderful it was to be with someone who is not shallow. You are a complex person, and I wouldn't ever want you to change.

Relationships require lots of work. As adults, we can consciously choose our life partners. Well, I want you, my soulmate, to be my life partner. I am willing to put a lot of effort into this. All I need to know is that you want the same. That we're working for this together. For nothing will ever work out if only one of us is putting effort into the relationship. I know that I can truly make you happy. I can cater to your needs, take care of your health, keep your clothes and house clean, and make your life simpler in many ways. I can be the person you turn to when you're feeling down and need advice, I can be the one you share your excitements with, I can provide you with emotional and physical support. And I want to do and be all those things. (Yes, I did just copy and paste this entire paragraph that I’ve written earlier. Just want to make sure I get the point across.)

Please do tell me what the doctor told you about your health. I care about you deeply and WILL provide any support I can, whether it's moral or financial. If I have any resources that might be of benefit to you, I will do my best to make them available to you. Just let me know if you need anything, if there's anything I can do.

If you ever need anything at all, please do not hesitate to break this one-month-without-each-other thing. I WANT to be there for you.

You are the one person I'm absolutely infatuated with (not necessarily in the romantic way at the moment), and no matter what I do and how hard I try, you will remain the only one I TRULY want to spend my life with, the only person I want to have by my side forever. No one else can even compare to you! I really do have faith in us, and I am 100% certain that we can create our future together, and be the happiest together. I believe that even if we do decide to stop any communication right now, if we meet by accident 3, 5, 10 years from now, whether we'll be married or single, we'll still experience the "spark", the connection we shared will be restored, and it once again will be difficult to let go of each other.

By the way, here are some subreddits that I find useful: /r/psychology, /r/EOOD, /r/meditation, /r/UniversityofReddit, /r/nonzeroday, /r/getdisciplined, /r/decidingtobebetter, /r/GetMotivated, /r/productivity, /r/selfimprovement, /r/ZenHabits, /r/primalmealplan, /r/Eyebleach . Hopefully you can find them beneficial to you as well.

If things turn out the way we've always wanted them to be, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you, my other half. Thank you for reading this long letter, and I wish you all the very best.

-Your Natasha

Я прочитала это, и я все вспомнила. Вспомнила, что он для меня значит. Я все вспомнила. Я так долго пыталась все забыть, стереть все из памяти. Move on. А сейчас я вспомнила, почему я не могу move on. Он - любовь моей жизни. Я никого и никогда больше не хочу. Поеду ли или не поеду я в эту гребаную Швецию, или Россию, ничего не поменяется, никогда не будет магического "обожемой я встретила кого-то еще, мне теперь абсолютно точно плевать на Б". Nothing else matters, really. Я ЛЮБЛЮ этого человека, люблю его целиком и полностью, and nothing else matters, ever. Завтра приедет мамочка из России, и я обязательно с ней поговорю на эту тему, потому что мне так нужна помощь. Помощь родного человека. Мне так нужно, чтобы кто-то меня обнял и пообещал что все будет хорошо. Но тем временем, я в очередной раз осознаю, что он - это мое все. И, блять, если я не дам нам еще один шанс, то кем я буду? Еще один, последний, шанс. Но не сейчас. Он еще не готов. I'll be waiting for him. Через год я ему напишу (а до этого я его обязательно поздравлю с днем рожденья). И если через год он меня отвергнет, то я попробую еще раз еще через год. Или через 5 лет. Через 10 лет.

Пожалуйста, Наташа, не забывай, где твое сердце.

Meanwhile, мне нравятся только девушки, а парни меня не интересуют вообще. Скорее всего, я все равно буду трахаться с парнями, просто потому что это очень легко, и это помогает залечить раны на ночь.

Б., я люблю тебя. Я тебя люблю. Я думаю о тебе каждый день. Господи, даже не помню, когда я в последний раз так сильно плакала. Все, что я делаю, - это для него. Моя самая сильнейшая мотивация - это он. Когда мне лениво и не хочется ничего делать, то мне достаточно просто подумать о нем... Я въебываю в зале как проклятая (ну или дома) через боль, я работаю на работе как проклятая, я учусь как проклятая, and I'm only able to get through that благодаря мыслям о нем. Мой Б., мое счастье, моя вселенная. Не хочу ничего больше.

Пора переименовывать дневник в "Ода Б., или как Наташа пытается убедить всех и в первую очередь себя что она счастлива и ей плевать на бывшего".